Shakabuku

is a word from Grosse Pointe Blank. It is explained as being " a swift and spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever."

That's what I need. Badly.

I keep thinking about her. That popping sound I mentioned last time? Ya, not so much.

I am falling back into old thinking patterns. It's not good.

So here's the rub. I love her. She may love me. She is in a very long term relationship.

The only way I was able to let go last time was when I thought she was happy and therefore better of without me.

But out of the blue she calls me. Confides in me. She is not happy. I don't think it has anything to do with her relationship, but she does need a friend and she chose me.

Is she manipulating me? I don't think so. Unless I read her completely wrong, I do not think she would do this on purpose. But in the past, I have read people completely wrong.

So where does that leave me?

I can tell her how I feel. Ya, I know that's what about 50% of you will say. "Just get it over with...lay it on the table..and see what happens."

But, you see, I know what will happen. She may love me. Really. But she also loves her man. And she is not the type of person to turn her back on the guy that has been with her for nearly 20 years, and is supporting her through her current academic escapades. She has a hard time changing teachers for fear that she'll hurt their feelings. She's a sweet person see? It's one of the reasons that I love her.

So how will she react? "It's very sweet of you to say that, but you know I'm in a relationship so what do you think I am going to do? Leave X to be with you?" and it will queer our friendship. And I will likely have caused some level of pain to someone I care about because she will feel bad for hurting me. She is already going through her own shit and I can't dump more crap on her. I just can't.

It may seem like cowardice, and maybe it is a little. But honestly I think it takes a lot more guts NOT to dump this in her lap.

Next?

I keep going on like we are. This would work fine if I could stop comparing every woman I meet to the idealized version of her I have built up in my mind. They all fall way way way short. It's not fair to them. It's not realistic. It prevents me from moving on.

I think this is the answer. I need to clear my heart of my feelings of love for her, and try and keep the "like". Part of my anxiety issues is that I simply cannot betray someone or turn my back on a friend in need. I just can't do it. Most of the time this is a positive trait, but sometimes I need to suffer for it. Like in this case. And in the case of another friend who needs help but has not realized it yet and gets VERY annoyed if you try and help him in any way. Bad scene, that.

Next?

Do something evil. I have thought about it. Set up her man for a fall.

Ha! I am just not that Machiavellian. I could think of a dozen ways to do it, but a) it would hurt her and b) even if we were together after that it would be tainted for me because it started with EVIL.

I am not serious about this option at all. It was just an idle speculation.

Next?

*sigh*

I have to work on option 2. Get on with my life, remain friends with her to help her when I can, and realize that this love that I feel for her, even though it is possible she feels the same for me, will never happen because someone got there first. I suck.

I think the Buzzcocks said it best in

"Ever Fallen In Love With Someone (You Shouldn't've Fallen In Love With)?":

You stir my natural emotions
You make me feel I'm dirt
And I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love?
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with


I am so cliche sometimes I just wanna punch myself in the face.

Unreality

I think one of my problems is that I live in a fantasy world. I have always had a very active imagination. I roleplay. I write stories. I lie well (though very rarely).

But after reading an article yesterday I think romantic comedies have skewed my view of relationships. That I want some ideal when it comes to relationships. Something which just doesn't happen. I think I have an idealized view of TWIHFF. I imagine the bliss we would have if we were together when in fact, it would probably be great, but in a realistic way.

Nevertheless, I am slowly hearing a popping sound of my head being extricated from my ass. I have to try and be realistic. It won't happen.

There ya go. That's it right there.

But with this idealized notion of relationships, I think I am unfairly comparing women I meet to some ideal that I have formed. How unfair is that? Quite.

For example, I work with a woman who is not attractive. Dumpy. Buck teeth. But she is brilliant. I find her mind compelling. She is also single. But I can see myself asking her out, second guessing all the way through because of her appearance, and finally fucking things up. And that may cause problems at work. She is ostensibly above me on the ladder here, so it could mean the end of a very promising career.

But see, that's it. I can always foretell badness. Fortune telling. Catastrophization. Always seem to come back. I always seem to fall into that trap.

Add to that that this summer has been rainy, gray and crap and it just puts me in a sad/bad mood. I feel lonely. I see conspiracies around me. My friends hate me. They avoid me. Basically I find myself falling into thought patterns I thought I had left behind a year ago. I need to work on that damn second voice.

I also need to try *gulp* dating someone. Though with my current thought processes, it would probably be better for me to try and date someone who I do not work with.

I'll keep you posted.

Issues

So I just got back from a week at a cottage of a friend of mine. It was ok but the weather sucked.

But TWIHFF has been on my mind a lot. This is a problem.

I keep second guessing myself. I have never been good at reading women. I keep thinking that maybe she confided in me because she wants to be with me. I'm finding it hard to stop thinking about her and how she is doing. Many times at the cottage my buddy and I would be walking around the woods or driving in his jeep (we were geocaching) and I would think to myself how much happier I would be if it was her and I walking through the woods. If I could spend a week with her, just her and I, seeing the world through her eyes, waking up next to her, holding her hand, making her smile, kissing her and just being with her in every way.

How do I convince myself that won't happen. I seem to have problems listening to my inner voice. I find myself obsessing about every little thing I said to her. What I can say to her the next time we meet that will win her heart. Nothing, of course.

I sent her some email a while back asking how she was doing, reminding her that I am here if she needs to talk. She does not communicate much to me, and this should be sign. But for me, it keeps me thinking "Did I say something wrong last time we met?" "Did I fail her?".

What can you do? The fact that I am alone a lot of the time make it harder. I need to keep busy. When I spend too much time thinking it just gets me into trouble.

I don't see my friends that much anymore. I miss them. They are all busy with their lives. I used to be a strong part in their lives, but I think they have pulled away since my depression. I miss them. It's hard to make friends. I have a tough time trusting people. I even suspect my friends sometimes, but I am working on my "second voice" (this is a CBT technique) to stop catastrophizing and fortune-telling. To stop thinking the future is going to be bad.

My problem is that the only thing I can see that would make me truly happy would be TWIHFF, but that is not reasonable.

One thing I am doing differently this time that I did not do last time is keeping my MOUTH SHUT. Not burdening my friends with my impossible pining. They have already pulled away a lot, and I just don't want to drive them away further.

I guess what I really need right now if to find a woman that I connect with. If I could find someone I connect with half as much as TWIHFF but is single, I think that would help a lot. So far, failure.

I have thought many times of just telling her "I love you" so she could get upset and tell me that she is in a committed relationship and that there is no hope. But I already know that, and I think it would create an insurmountable rift between us. Part of me hopes never to see her again so I can stop hurting, and part of me wants to spend every waking minute by her side.

Neither option seems very likely.

I will keep being her friend. I will not tell her how I feel. This is not about her, but about me. These are my issues. And just like I cannot share these with my friends for fear of driving them further away, I just can't share my feelings with her, especially when she is going through a tough time, because I think that would be unfair to her.

I have been on that side of the fence. Had someone tell me they love me, or want to be with me, who I thought of as just a friend and felt no chemistry for, and I remember how uncomfortable it made me. I didn't like it. I won't do the same to her. When you do something like that, it's to make yourself feel better and not for the benefit of the other.

Love is not selfish.

Love stinks.

Return of TWIHFF

So we had a beer a few weeks ago. She told me some very personal things which I will keep personal, cause that's the kind of guy I am. She is still content with her relationship, but she is going through some other problems.

She misses me. We did not see each other for about 6 months and she mentioned several times that we should not wait that long again. She confided in me. She was beautiful.

What was that sound? That was the sound of my head going up my ass again. "There is no hope there", says my head. "Shut the fuck up!" says my heart. Son-of-a-bitch, I am so annoyed with myself.

I can't turn my back on her. She's having problems, and I am just not the kind of guy to turn my back on any friend when they are having problems. Add to that the fact that I love her and..well...I am well and truly fucked, and not in a good way.

We'll see what happens. But I need to get her out of my head again. I am not interested in pursuing a relationship now (except with her - fuck), there are no women that really have my interest right now (except her - fuck), in fact, I am not sure I want to change my life for anyone right now (except for her - in a heartbeat - *sigh* ).

So looks like I need to get a grip on this and realize that SHE IS IN A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP AND JUST LIKES ME AS A FRIEND. She cannot even change teachers without feeling bad, she sure as hell isn't going to leave her man after 17 years just because I love her.

Part of me just wants to go out to a bar, get drunk, get into a fistfight and kick the shit out of someone. I am a big, strong, fast man with some experience in fighting. It would be easy.

But that's just frustration talking. That's not who I am.

I just feel electric when I'm with her. I am a better man. I am smarter. Wittier. Stronger and better looking when she is near.

And I can't have her.

Hard to get used to.

To make matters worse, she is kind of down on herself so the temptation is great to say "Are you crazy? Do you know how sweet, witty, sexy and beautiful you are? Do you not see how the world glows when you are near. How the world is better through your eyes?" I want to pull her out of her chair, and get really close to her and whisper "Gold is gray when you walk by. Diamonds coal. Goddesses despair upon seeing your smile. Stars cast their arms up in fury knowing that they can never match the grace you possess". I would bring my hand to her face, and stroke her cheek softly, her brown eyes staring into mine. "You are the most wonderful woman I will ever meet. I would do anything just to see the smile on your lips, to see the twinkle in your eye but most of all to see joy on your face when you see me".

then I would double over in pain as she kneed me in the balls for being so damned cheezy.

I would deserve it.

Women are Crazy

Ya..we are all crazy. Anyone past the age of 12 is crazy, or has some sort of baggage.

But when you start dating women in the 33-40 age range, it seems that most of them expect to get married and have children within the first year of the relationship.

Say what?

In the last year I have had 3 different women who have either asked me to impregnate them (I thought about it, but I could not have a child in this world and just ignore it - and though i liked these women I could not see myself spending my life with them), or basically end any chance of a relationship with me when they found out I would have to spend some time in a relationship with my partner, developing love and trust, before I would agree to marriage or having a baby.

Really? REALLY? You expect me to get married and have a child with you just because your biological clock is tick-tick-ticking? Are you fucking crazy? Are there really men out there that are so desperate that they will have a child with someone they barely know? Ya, I know there are.

The most recent we shall call ehrm1. We were getting along well. She said she wanted honesty. She brought up marriage (as in "have you ever been married"), we got on the subject and I mentioned I would need to take my time and really get to know the person before I could get married and have kids. Still waiting for a reply. I should lie just to get laid, but it's not in me. Too fucking honest for my own good.

Maybe I just have an overblown sense of responsibility and I couldn't see myself having a spawn and having it NOT be a part of my life.

I realize that at 41 years of age, my odds of finding love, getting married and having a child are slim. I guess there is a small amount of panic in me about that. "Did I miss out on something?" "Did I live my life right?".

Sitting at home alone in my bathrobe right now. I wish I had someone I cared about with me. I don't. I am still looking.

But I'll be damned if I am gonna have a kid just because I am 41. How irresponsible is that? It's not like the past where we needed to procreate to keep our species/nation strong. The world has too many people as it is.

Where is the one for me? Where is the woman that wants a life of joy and wonder, of travel and adventure. White picket fence? 2.3 kids? Never been for me.

But I would like a partner.

Where are you?

Too Old

I am too old for myself.

I simply cannot think of myself as 41 years old. It doesn't register. I don't feel forty. I don't look forty. But there it is on my driver's license...forty fucking one. Oh well.

Why is this even an issue? Internet dating sites is why. I got turned down by a 33 year old woman because I was "too old". Lady, you are so fucking wrong.

This brings me to the next of my problems (there are so very many of them)...women over 40. This is going to sound very superficial and maybe make me come off like an asshole, but fuck it. They look old to me. I mean they remind me of my mother. Not all of them of course, but the good one's are usually taken (what a shitbag thing to say - sorry). When I look in the mirror, I don't have wrinkles. Really. Not a one. I swim a mile every day of the week. I bike 40 kms a day in the summer. I listen to loud music. Smoke pot. Play video games. I am still 30 in my head. Younger even! And so far my body is cooperating...

In short, I never really grew up. Yes I do serious work. Have a great career. Own my own home. I have a very profound sense of responsibility and loyalty. I can philosophize fairly well. I am not immature per se, but I just cannot think of a compelling reason to grow up. Why would I want to do that? Sure, making a life together with the right person makes 100% sense to me. Being there for each other. Supporting each other. Seeing the world together. Better or worse. Even having children. I am not afraid of these things. But if it's not with the right person then why do it? I see so many people who seem to be making the decision to "settle down" cause "that's what you're supposed to do when you're 40/30/25". Why? Because TV said so? Because society did? I trust TV and society about as much as I trust the government. Not very fucking much. So why grow up? Because you got tired?

Despite feeling lonely I can't stop myself from living my life the way that I want.

But then I get to internet dating site and a woman who would have thought I was her age if we met in person called me too fucking old.

So now...I am looking for a geek girl. There seems to be precious few unattached geek girls over 35. Where are you? Do you stop going out? How can I find you? You start a career and give up being a geek? Quitters!

As for you geek girls under 35...give a guy a chance. I am not ugly. I am a good man. I look 33-34. I feel 30. Who cares if it says 41 in my profile? Well..you do apparently.

Regardless, I have not given up and spent the big bucks join a dating site I will call eHmny, so we'll see how that goes.

But I suspect the good geek girls are snapped up in university or shortly after. Prove me wrong.

Tired

Feeling tired these days. It's getting to be spring which I love, but my allergies and general malaise is taking a lot out of me.

I am a bit down that there are no potential women for me at the moment. No one I am currently interested in. I work with several but they are all attached.

I have a female friend who I have know for a long time and I knew she had a romantic attraction to me for years. So we had dinner together a while ago, and I suggested we try it out. Much to my surprise, she turned me down. *sigh* I think I have the touch of death. In truth, I suspect it is because she feels her biological clock is ticking and she wants a kid now-now-now and I would have to be in a relationship for a while before I would feel comfortable even considering children.

Still, I was really surprised she didn't go for it. To be honest, it was probably a good move on her part. We are both type-A personalities, and while we are good friends, we do not see the world the same way (which is fine, but in this case it's a LOT different - makes for good friends, but perhaps less good partners). At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Then I listen to some of my friends in relationships, and some of the people they are with are NIGHTMARES! One of my friends is not allowed to go out with his buddies (his wife calls him a "fag" when he does), she resents him having a good time without her ("you should be having a good time with me! your wife!") made him get rid of his dog (which she had originally chosen, and once he got attached she changed her mind), will not let him even go skiing without her. WTF is that? WHY WOULD ANYONE BE IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT! He's afraid to be alone? Ok fine. Just never made sense to me. I would rather be miserable and alone than miserable because someone else is making me miserable...or we are making each other miserable.

Part of me feel that I am disfunctional because I am picky and cautious. Part of me feels several of my friends are disfunctional because they are not.

Look, all I want to do is find a woman I click with, fall in love, and spend the rest of my life making her smile and have her do the same for me. And yet, as I write this I wonder if it even exists, or is realistic, or if I am just a romantic loser looking for something I have seen in the movies.

Stupid hollywood, creating these beautiful expectations that seem unlikely to ever get fulfilled. Wonder if there's a lawsuit there...;-)

Last few months

So in the last few months I have gone out on 2 more "first dates".

You know what they had in common?

They made me happy that I am single.

The last one I went out with (F2) was nice enough, and cute enough. But not geek enough. And too white trash. Ya, I said it. When your favorite pasttime is drinking beer while watching Nascar. When the only time you left the city of your birth was to go see Nascar in the states...well, you get the idea.

Now I don't have anything against white trash per se, but I don't have much in common with them either. Plus I need someone a little more educated because I like conversations about odd stuff. Intellectual conversations are a must for me.

Other weird things about my last date are:

Her quotes:
- "You didn't call for the first date fast enough. You made me wait a few days and my friends made fun of me, but that's ok." (This is after I asked for her number and said "I'll call you early next week". I called her on a tuesday...)
- "You called me from your work number. Is that so I couldn't call you back?"

And she ordered exactly what I ordered. I ordered a beer, she ordered the same beer. I order some food, she ordered the same food. She didn't even look at the menu. This is not a big deal to me, but with the above quotes it all came off a little...well...disconcerting.

I could tell she was nervous. So was I. I have no problem with that. But telling me, on the first date, "You called me from your work number. Is that so I couldn't call you back?". Weird. Creepy. (In fact, I called her from my work number because she gets off work at 2pm, and it would cost me cell phone minutes to call at that time, so I used my work phone - I honestly never thought twice about it until she mentioned it).

The date before that one (F1), well...geeky. Cool. Love it. But also painfully stained and crooked teeth, and a LOT of nose hair!!! And she had a cold!! Yeesh. There was a drop hanging from her nose hair for several minutes. Terrible.

So really, the last few dates have not gone well. But one good thing is that I honestly feel like I dodged a bullet with them. I mean, I am alone, but it could be worse...I could be stuck with them. One of them being suspicious and analyzing everything I do, and the other one sneezing and looking like a party favor because of the copious nose hair.

So what do I do now? Where can I meet a cute geek?

What I am loking for, in order:

1- Kind. If she is selfish or stuck up, it's a major turn off.
2- Geeky. A little anyway. Likes sci-fi movies, or has played a video game, or something. Anything. Just a little. Please?
3- Smart. Goes with #2 I guess. I want to be able to have a conversation. I remember that PhD girl I met at a party and we got along famously. We chatted for hours. Too bad she blew me off.
4- Cute. Or attractive to me anyway. Does not have to be a beauty queen. In fact, I find a woman WAY hotter in jeans and a t-shirt with little or no makeup (and glasses!), then all dressed up and all made up. Love the girl next door type. Ok...I also like the "little black dress" (tm)....

I got suckered into one of those "find a fuckbuddy" sites, which work for shit (of course! what was I expecting?!). Oh well...$30 down the drain. Sex would be nice though.

So what now?