Old sorta friend

So a long time ago, in a cafe far far away.

Well. Not really. I had a friend who used to own a cool little cafe downtown, and there were a few of us who were deemed "regulars". In that few of us, there was a couple. They seemed sorta made for each other. Always together. Perpetually cool in a geeky way.

That was about 10 years ago. They just recently broke up.

She is a geek and a very quiet solitary geek. She focused her life around her man. So when he decided to split ways (apparently it was amicable - they just sorta grew apart), she found herself alone with very few friends, cause her man was really all she needed.

So she contacted a mutual friend of ours, who currently has a crazy busy life social engineering union reps (ha!), and he asked me if I wanted to spend some time with her as she is kinda lonely.

So she is pretty cute if I remember. Not "the woman of my dreams" cute, but cute enough. She is smart, well spoken, but very quiet...for some reason apparently I was one of the few people at the cafe that she used to talk to (I never noticed she only spoke to a select few of us....it was just really brought to my attention this week), and she is weird in a dark way, which I have to admit I kind of like.

So I have a tendency to race ahead in my mind and predict what will happen in the future. My therapist called it "fortune telling". It is a really fucking stupid thing to do since I tend to focus on the negatives that could happen and gloss over the positives. It's a habit I am trying to break.
It's one of the reasons I am writing this blog. I honestly feel better after writing an entry. It sorta feels like confession, only without the priest and the buggery (just kidding! Don't strike me down!...bah it was a cheap shot anyway so I'm the one who looks like a dufus).

So anyway, I barely know this woman, who I will dub F1, but it looks like I will be getting together with her next week sometime. It seems promising. The only thing that worries me is that she seems to be very isolationist and focuses on the one person in her life, and I am coming from the complete opposite direction where I am used to having several people in my life and essentially all the freedom in the world.

But really, that's my only real concern. She is pretty cool. Pretty cute. Pretty geeky. I think it looks promising.

Look at that! Some random event seemed to land in my favor. Kickass!

Geek Fantasy

So I am particuarly horny today. I am a guy, so horniness is just a general state I guess, but some days it's worse than others.

So lemme tell you about my geek fantasy. I want to find a cute geek who plays WoW (or other videogame that involves other people) and I want to go down on her while she is playing and has to maintain concentration. For some reason, it would amuse me to no end to cause a raid wipe (or some other virtual disaster) because I made her cum.

Howzat?

(This was a sorta repost of another post I had made but got..well..deleted. Don't ask.)

Romantic Notions

I think I read too many fantasy books growing up. I still have all these romantic notions of finding love, of finding that one true person, "the one" (and I don't mean Neo - Keanu is such a shit actor - don't get me started).

My head tells me that "the one" is a ridiculous notion dreamed up by romantic poets and greeting card companies. That it's a stupid dream. That I need to find a woman I can get along with and build a life with, and maybe love. That being with someone who is not "the one" is better than being alone. That if you try and find "the one" you will end up alone. My head is pretty cynical. Maybe pretty realistic. Maybe my head is an adult.

My heart tells me "fuck that noise". What use is being with someone you don't love? To just go through the day-to-day motions in order to avoid being alone, when you can be swept away with the right person. To stare into her eyes and feel your hearts touch. To kiss her lips and feel your souls soar. To make love to her and feel the earth move, the heaven's part and the heavenly choir sing. To get lost in her mind, body and soul and never try to find the way out because of the joy you find there.


So where does that leave me? My heart and mind are constantly at odds. As Wang Chi said "My mind and my spirit are goin' north and south." Guess I can't slice a bottle. It really fucking bugs me that I can't seem to give up on my romantic notions. It would probably make my life a lot easier if I just turned my back on all of that, find someone "good enough" and just went on with my life rather than drive myself insane trying to search for the love of my life.

One thing is for sure. I'm an idiot.

Feedback

So I've been pretty tired all day. I should learn not to take any actions when I am tired. To sit there, not move, for fear of being an idiot. But I don't.

I never learn.

Anyway, on one of the internet dating sites I asked people for feedback on my profile, saying that I rarely get replies. So far I have received 2 comments.

The first was from a guy who was very constructive. Helped me out. Pointed out some flaws which I corrected, and told me that he also had some problems getting replies.

The second was from a woman who, basically, said that people that say they are nice guys are often whiny and needy, and that my problem is that I am choosing the wrong type of woman. Now she said it nicer than I am putting it here but that's the gist.

Wow. I am not sure if internet dating has actually made anything any easier. It's so easy to misinterpret text, and guys seem to have trouble getting heard, and women seem to have to read into everything a man says to try and see the "true meaning" behind his words.

So as an experiment I created a female profile on a popular dating site. I named the profile something like "HotMama21" and put random characters in the profile.

Within 5 minutes I had 5 mails, an incoming IM and someone sent me a link to their private pictures! HOLY CRAP! Is that what women have to deal with on these sites!?! There was no content in the profile at all and I got more responses than the most heartfelt message I ever sent as a man. No wonder it's so hard to be heard!

WK1

So WK1 is a cute, pixie-like sporty blonde (love my cute pixie-like sporty blondes!) that I work with. She is from the States and is working with us only for a few more months, likely.

I asked her out for lunch on monday and we went to a pretty nice sushi place nearby. I work in a weird area. It's mostly a residential area way out in the middle of nowhere, but there is a "commercial" intersection nearby with a grocery store, a McDonalds, Wendy's, St-Hubert...basically a buncha fast food in this sort of low rent area. And for some reason someone opened a nice fancy sushi restaurant in the middle of it. Not expensive, just fancy.

We went and had lunch. We don't have a huge heap in common. But she smiles a lot, and laughs sometimes even when I am actually trying to be funny. She is pretty cute, but I think she is a bit young (somewhere between 24-28 I am guessing). My pickings at work are pretty slim, not because there are no women I find attractive; quite to the contrary, I work with many beautiful women, which is a bit odd because I work in a scientific facility. Unfortunately, I am a little cautious about dating at work, as I said, and the vast majority of them are already dating someone or are married.

We talked movies a lot. TV. Softball (she plays softball - and I love to play baseball). Athletic women are a big turn on to me. I can't stand the princess type. If you spent too long doing your nails, or your favorite pasttime is the hunt for new shoes, then I will likely not be interested.

Anyway I like WK1. She is sweet. She is cute. She is smart. What's not to like? But if she is leaving to go back home at the end of this month or november at the latest then what is the point? Also, I am also not sure she is into me at all.

One of the problems with depression is that I often misinterpret people in a negative way. Meaning you might just be thinking and I will be concerned that I said something wrong, or that you are not into me, or you don't like me. I am working on this, so when I say "I am not sure she is into me at all" it might just be me catastrophizing things, or she could really not be into me.

Doesn't matter. I figure she is leaving anyway, and she is nice to talk to, so I might as well keep hanging out with her some.

I saw her on the bus tonight and we talked about the Dark Knight and Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (oh yeah - and Mama Mia). The only one I have seen is DK (so damn good).

I figure I'll keep being friendly and jovial, talkative and nice and we'll see if anything happens.

See? That last sentence bothers me. I too often see these fucking gino/chav-type greaseball asshole guys with some fantastic women, so is it true what they say? That women like a man who treats them like shit? Cause I don't think I can do that. I grew up with 2 older sisters and no brothers. I like and respect women. I listen to women. Maybe that's why I often get the "friend"role which I hate so much. Friends need sex too dammit!

Sort of reminds me of 10 years ago and that bitch that I loved. I remember her choosing another guy over me (she did this several times - I was in love and remarkably stupid - and she was remarkably evil). This guy that she chose over me had once told his friends "If you need a quick fuck, just go ahead and see her" and she chose HIM over ME?!?

Nice guys really do finish last, I'm thinking. So where does that leave me? I just don't think I can be an asshole.

Fuck.

TWIHFF

To be clear about something. Specifically TWIHFF. I've known her for 6 years now. We get along famously. She and I really click. I love her and always will.

We have never made love, never kissed, never held hands. Though I longed for these things, I knew they would not be welcomed and would ruin what small relationship/friendship we did have.

She is married and loves her husband. They have been together for 17 years now! (They started dating when she was 15). There is no chance they will break up.

For a while there I hoped that I could get her to leave her man, though I never told her as much. I never even told her I love her, though I am pretty sure she knows. The best I ever managed was to say "if you were not attached, I would have asked you out a long time ago". She is not someone to betray her man, and it's one of the reasons I fell for her.

So I hear you saying "you obviously still love her, and while you do no one else stands a chance". Ya, I thought about that too. But although I will always love her it does not mean I cannot love someone else more, plus I rarely see her anymore. Things have definitely cooled down on my end which is a good thing.

A while back I went to a party at her place and met one of her friends and was just so damned enchanted by her friend that I spent 5 hours talking to her friend and never even thought about TWIHFF.

I know now that her and I can never be. She is happily married, and though we found each other, for me it was too late. After 3 years of angsting, and wishing, and hoping, followed by another year I call the "getting my head out of my ass" year, I now just wish her happiness. As long as she is happy, it's ok. I have come to terms with the fact that it won't be me she is happy with. It was hard thing to do, but at one point you need to say to yourself "it's time to move on" and get on with your life.

I still see her from time to time; maybe 3 or 4 times a year. We chat. Have a pint. Eat a sammich. I very rarely, in 6 years, ever saw her man. Which I think is one of the reasons I had hopes for her until I realized that after 17 years they trust each other, have independent friends and activities, and live full lives apart as well as together.

I envy him. I envy her. They have what I am looking for. A happy relationship with two people that trust and support each other through life. They have something that I long for.

Good for them!

Sources for Women

I have 4 main sources to meet women.

1. Internet Dating Sites
I use 2 mainly. We shall call them LL and OKC. If I meet or speak to a woman from either of these sites, I will label them OKC1, OKC2 or LL1, LL2 etc...

2. Work
I have had work relationships before and they are kinda tricky. If things go well you can get a quicky in the boardroom (fun stuff!), but if things don't go well you are stuck working with someone who wants to destroy you and your little dog too. I will call these WK1, WK2 etc...

3. Friends
Occasionally I have a friend who tries to introduce me to a friend. So far, it has been a "she's single, you're single - you must be perfect for each other" and I end up on a date with a woman who never watches TV, never listens to music, never played a game (not even a card game?! c'mon, gimme a break!) and we talk about the weather. Once, the woman that I had fallen for but is married (TWIHFF for short) introduced me to one of her friends, and we did get along, but she sorta brushed me off for school. Also, I need to keep some distance with TWIHFF and the idea of double dating with her seemed..well...like a bad idea. These shall be labeled F1, F2 etc...

4. Organized Dating Activities
There are places where you can go to singles events. Sometimes they are dinners and such, sometimes biking, or archery (archery?! wtf?) and you all get to know each other while doing something else. I shall label these ODA1, ODA2 etc...

Geek women are the hardest to find in all of these. I guess I should go to a Comic-Con or something, but what do I say when I get there "Hi. Nice Sailor Moon costume. Wanna get a coffee?". Actually, a Sailor Moon costume could be kinda hot.

Now...onto the show.

A bit about this

I have not had a serious relationship in 10 years. 10 years! 10 years ago someone I loved ripped my heart out, turned my friends against me and basically ran me through the ringer. After that I thought "fuck this", and spent the next 5 years of my life traveling the world, concentrating on my career, being independent, hanging with my friends, being a geek. I figured if it was meant to be, then it would find me. 5 years ago, it sort of did, and I met someone who took my breath away. We got along so well. We clicked. We developed a strong friendship. Why didn't it go beyond friendship? Because she loved her husband more. Can I pick 'em or what? My pining for her, and trying to be all that I could be for her ate up the next 3 years of my life. It took another year before I got my head out of my ass enough to move on. We are still friends.

I am a geek. I know this. I am nearly a proto-geek. I wrote my first line of code on a Vic 20. I have been gaming for 25 years, both videogames and role-playing games. I did medieval re-enactment. I can make a computer sing and dance. I geek out hard.

I am not socially retarded, though. I spent the better part of 10 years clubbing at some of the coolest clubs you will ever see. Mostly alternative dark clubs. I traveled the world (london, singapore, ireland, australia, amsterdam, dominican) and met some amazing people. I have a ton of friends from all walks of life. My social calendar is usually pretty active. I know what the little fork is for.

But about a year ago, the business I had started with some friends failed. It really hit me hard. Of all the things in my life, my career always seemed so strong and when we failed it left us all with debt, and some resentment, and in my case...depression. Last november I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Apparently it had been around for 10 years or so. Gee. I wonder what happened 10 years ago that could have left me with depression?

So I started cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I was relieved that I did not get prescribed any drugs. It always seems to be the quick fix to any psychological problem today, and I would rather work out my problems by thinking and communicating rather than by medicating.

The sessions continued until about a month ago, because my therapist got promoted to a new job, and I was not considered severe enough to transfer to a new doctor, so now I am on my own.

I learned over the last year that a) love doesn't just happen, you need to work for it and b) I am tired of being single. I miss the intimacy. I miss the partnership. And yes, I miss the meaningful sex.

When going through CBT it came out that writing out my thoughts, my communications, my feelings is pretty helpful. So I thought I would start blogging. This is a private, anonymous blog. The stories are true but the names have been changed to protect the innocent. I may fudge a detail here and there to protect my anonymity, but apart from that I will try to be honest and frank.

Why make it a blog at all? Why not just keep a private journal?

2 reasons. First, I am hoping that I get some comments that might be constructive and help me out with some of my troubles. Second, who knows, my story might touch some cute Montreal geekette's heart and I might meet that special someone by opening myself up in this way.

I work hard to be a good man. A loyal friend. To try and make the world a better place. I rarely lie. I could never betray anyone. I would go out of my way to help a stranger. I am smart. School was always easy for me and my profession is very technical and I do it very well. I have been described as witty and clever, which mostly comes from my best friend, who I have known since I was 6 years old, who is one of the wittiest and clever people I have ever met. I am not super handsome, but I am not particularly ugly either. I am fit with a few extra pounds. I exercise a lot. I love it. I think I am an endorphin junky.

I turned 40 this year and it weighs heavily on me. I do not feel 40. Look 40. Act 40. It seems so old to me. The other 40 year olds I see look old to me for the most part. People never believe it when I tell them I am 40. I don't want to be 40 dammit! It makes internet dating even harder because they see "40 years old" and I guess dismiss me as an old man. I wish you could meet me just so you could say "wow. I never would have guessed". makes me feel better but it's hard to communicate on an internet dating site without sounding like the old man trying to get the young girl. I have nothing against 40 year olds If I found one that I thought was attractive and who I connected with, I wouldn't think twice. But often, they remind me of my mother. And while I love my mother, I don't want to date her. In my mind I am still 25.

So I thought that it might be interesting for me to keep a public journal about my experiences trying to find love as a 40 year old geek who has not dated in 10 years. Any comments you may have, as long as they are supportive or constructive are welcome, appreciated and encouraged.