Shakabuku

is a word from Grosse Pointe Blank. It is explained as being " a swift and spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever."

That's what I need. Badly.

I keep thinking about her. That popping sound I mentioned last time? Ya, not so much.

I am falling back into old thinking patterns. It's not good.

So here's the rub. I love her. She may love me. She is in a very long term relationship.

The only way I was able to let go last time was when I thought she was happy and therefore better of without me.

But out of the blue she calls me. Confides in me. She is not happy. I don't think it has anything to do with her relationship, but she does need a friend and she chose me.

Is she manipulating me? I don't think so. Unless I read her completely wrong, I do not think she would do this on purpose. But in the past, I have read people completely wrong.

So where does that leave me?

I can tell her how I feel. Ya, I know that's what about 50% of you will say. "Just get it over with...lay it on the table..and see what happens."

But, you see, I know what will happen. She may love me. Really. But she also loves her man. And she is not the type of person to turn her back on the guy that has been with her for nearly 20 years, and is supporting her through her current academic escapades. She has a hard time changing teachers for fear that she'll hurt their feelings. She's a sweet person see? It's one of the reasons that I love her.

So how will she react? "It's very sweet of you to say that, but you know I'm in a relationship so what do you think I am going to do? Leave X to be with you?" and it will queer our friendship. And I will likely have caused some level of pain to someone I care about because she will feel bad for hurting me. She is already going through her own shit and I can't dump more crap on her. I just can't.

It may seem like cowardice, and maybe it is a little. But honestly I think it takes a lot more guts NOT to dump this in her lap.

Next?

I keep going on like we are. This would work fine if I could stop comparing every woman I meet to the idealized version of her I have built up in my mind. They all fall way way way short. It's not fair to them. It's not realistic. It prevents me from moving on.

I think this is the answer. I need to clear my heart of my feelings of love for her, and try and keep the "like". Part of my anxiety issues is that I simply cannot betray someone or turn my back on a friend in need. I just can't do it. Most of the time this is a positive trait, but sometimes I need to suffer for it. Like in this case. And in the case of another friend who needs help but has not realized it yet and gets VERY annoyed if you try and help him in any way. Bad scene, that.

Next?

Do something evil. I have thought about it. Set up her man for a fall.

Ha! I am just not that Machiavellian. I could think of a dozen ways to do it, but a) it would hurt her and b) even if we were together after that it would be tainted for me because it started with EVIL.

I am not serious about this option at all. It was just an idle speculation.

Next?

*sigh*

I have to work on option 2. Get on with my life, remain friends with her to help her when I can, and realize that this love that I feel for her, even though it is possible she feels the same for me, will never happen because someone got there first. I suck.

I think the Buzzcocks said it best in

"Ever Fallen In Love With Someone (You Shouldn't've Fallen In Love With)?":

You stir my natural emotions
You make me feel I'm dirt
And I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love?
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with


I am so cliche sometimes I just wanna punch myself in the face.