Unreality

I think one of my problems is that I live in a fantasy world. I have always had a very active imagination. I roleplay. I write stories. I lie well (though very rarely).

But after reading an article yesterday I think romantic comedies have skewed my view of relationships. That I want some ideal when it comes to relationships. Something which just doesn't happen. I think I have an idealized view of TWIHFF. I imagine the bliss we would have if we were together when in fact, it would probably be great, but in a realistic way.

Nevertheless, I am slowly hearing a popping sound of my head being extricated from my ass. I have to try and be realistic. It won't happen.

There ya go. That's it right there.

But with this idealized notion of relationships, I think I am unfairly comparing women I meet to some ideal that I have formed. How unfair is that? Quite.

For example, I work with a woman who is not attractive. Dumpy. Buck teeth. But she is brilliant. I find her mind compelling. She is also single. But I can see myself asking her out, second guessing all the way through because of her appearance, and finally fucking things up. And that may cause problems at work. She is ostensibly above me on the ladder here, so it could mean the end of a very promising career.

But see, that's it. I can always foretell badness. Fortune telling. Catastrophization. Always seem to come back. I always seem to fall into that trap.

Add to that that this summer has been rainy, gray and crap and it just puts me in a sad/bad mood. I feel lonely. I see conspiracies around me. My friends hate me. They avoid me. Basically I find myself falling into thought patterns I thought I had left behind a year ago. I need to work on that damn second voice.

I also need to try *gulp* dating someone. Though with my current thought processes, it would probably be better for me to try and date someone who I do not work with.

I'll keep you posted.

Issues

So I just got back from a week at a cottage of a friend of mine. It was ok but the weather sucked.

But TWIHFF has been on my mind a lot. This is a problem.

I keep second guessing myself. I have never been good at reading women. I keep thinking that maybe she confided in me because she wants to be with me. I'm finding it hard to stop thinking about her and how she is doing. Many times at the cottage my buddy and I would be walking around the woods or driving in his jeep (we were geocaching) and I would think to myself how much happier I would be if it was her and I walking through the woods. If I could spend a week with her, just her and I, seeing the world through her eyes, waking up next to her, holding her hand, making her smile, kissing her and just being with her in every way.

How do I convince myself that won't happen. I seem to have problems listening to my inner voice. I find myself obsessing about every little thing I said to her. What I can say to her the next time we meet that will win her heart. Nothing, of course.

I sent her some email a while back asking how she was doing, reminding her that I am here if she needs to talk. She does not communicate much to me, and this should be sign. But for me, it keeps me thinking "Did I say something wrong last time we met?" "Did I fail her?".

What can you do? The fact that I am alone a lot of the time make it harder. I need to keep busy. When I spend too much time thinking it just gets me into trouble.

I don't see my friends that much anymore. I miss them. They are all busy with their lives. I used to be a strong part in their lives, but I think they have pulled away since my depression. I miss them. It's hard to make friends. I have a tough time trusting people. I even suspect my friends sometimes, but I am working on my "second voice" (this is a CBT technique) to stop catastrophizing and fortune-telling. To stop thinking the future is going to be bad.

My problem is that the only thing I can see that would make me truly happy would be TWIHFF, but that is not reasonable.

One thing I am doing differently this time that I did not do last time is keeping my MOUTH SHUT. Not burdening my friends with my impossible pining. They have already pulled away a lot, and I just don't want to drive them away further.

I guess what I really need right now if to find a woman that I connect with. If I could find someone I connect with half as much as TWIHFF but is single, I think that would help a lot. So far, failure.

I have thought many times of just telling her "I love you" so she could get upset and tell me that she is in a committed relationship and that there is no hope. But I already know that, and I think it would create an insurmountable rift between us. Part of me hopes never to see her again so I can stop hurting, and part of me wants to spend every waking minute by her side.

Neither option seems very likely.

I will keep being her friend. I will not tell her how I feel. This is not about her, but about me. These are my issues. And just like I cannot share these with my friends for fear of driving them further away, I just can't share my feelings with her, especially when she is going through a tough time, because I think that would be unfair to her.

I have been on that side of the fence. Had someone tell me they love me, or want to be with me, who I thought of as just a friend and felt no chemistry for, and I remember how uncomfortable it made me. I didn't like it. I won't do the same to her. When you do something like that, it's to make yourself feel better and not for the benefit of the other.

Love is not selfish.

Love stinks.