Return of TWIHFF

So we had a beer a few weeks ago. She told me some very personal things which I will keep personal, cause that's the kind of guy I am. She is still content with her relationship, but she is going through some other problems.

She misses me. We did not see each other for about 6 months and she mentioned several times that we should not wait that long again. She confided in me. She was beautiful.

What was that sound? That was the sound of my head going up my ass again. "There is no hope there", says my head. "Shut the fuck up!" says my heart. Son-of-a-bitch, I am so annoyed with myself.

I can't turn my back on her. She's having problems, and I am just not the kind of guy to turn my back on any friend when they are having problems. Add to that the fact that I love her and..well...I am well and truly fucked, and not in a good way.

We'll see what happens. But I need to get her out of my head again. I am not interested in pursuing a relationship now (except with her - fuck), there are no women that really have my interest right now (except her - fuck), in fact, I am not sure I want to change my life for anyone right now (except for her - in a heartbeat - *sigh* ).

So looks like I need to get a grip on this and realize that SHE IS IN A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP AND JUST LIKES ME AS A FRIEND. She cannot even change teachers without feeling bad, she sure as hell isn't going to leave her man after 17 years just because I love her.

Part of me just wants to go out to a bar, get drunk, get into a fistfight and kick the shit out of someone. I am a big, strong, fast man with some experience in fighting. It would be easy.

But that's just frustration talking. That's not who I am.

I just feel electric when I'm with her. I am a better man. I am smarter. Wittier. Stronger and better looking when she is near.

And I can't have her.

Hard to get used to.

To make matters worse, she is kind of down on herself so the temptation is great to say "Are you crazy? Do you know how sweet, witty, sexy and beautiful you are? Do you not see how the world glows when you are near. How the world is better through your eyes?" I want to pull her out of her chair, and get really close to her and whisper "Gold is gray when you walk by. Diamonds coal. Goddesses despair upon seeing your smile. Stars cast their arms up in fury knowing that they can never match the grace you possess". I would bring my hand to her face, and stroke her cheek softly, her brown eyes staring into mine. "You are the most wonderful woman I will ever meet. I would do anything just to see the smile on your lips, to see the twinkle in your eye but most of all to see joy on your face when you see me".

then I would double over in pain as she kneed me in the balls for being so damned cheezy.

I would deserve it.