Unreality

I think one of my problems is that I live in a fantasy world. I have always had a very active imagination. I roleplay. I write stories. I lie well (though very rarely).

But after reading an article yesterday I think romantic comedies have skewed my view of relationships. That I want some ideal when it comes to relationships. Something which just doesn't happen. I think I have an idealized view of TWIHFF. I imagine the bliss we would have if we were together when in fact, it would probably be great, but in a realistic way.

Nevertheless, I am slowly hearing a popping sound of my head being extricated from my ass. I have to try and be realistic. It won't happen.

There ya go. That's it right there.

But with this idealized notion of relationships, I think I am unfairly comparing women I meet to some ideal that I have formed. How unfair is that? Quite.

For example, I work with a woman who is not attractive. Dumpy. Buck teeth. But she is brilliant. I find her mind compelling. She is also single. But I can see myself asking her out, second guessing all the way through because of her appearance, and finally fucking things up. And that may cause problems at work. She is ostensibly above me on the ladder here, so it could mean the end of a very promising career.

But see, that's it. I can always foretell badness. Fortune telling. Catastrophization. Always seem to come back. I always seem to fall into that trap.

Add to that that this summer has been rainy, gray and crap and it just puts me in a sad/bad mood. I feel lonely. I see conspiracies around me. My friends hate me. They avoid me. Basically I find myself falling into thought patterns I thought I had left behind a year ago. I need to work on that damn second voice.

I also need to try *gulp* dating someone. Though with my current thought processes, it would probably be better for me to try and date someone who I do not work with.

I'll keep you posted.