A bit about this

I have not had a serious relationship in 10 years. 10 years! 10 years ago someone I loved ripped my heart out, turned my friends against me and basically ran me through the ringer. After that I thought "fuck this", and spent the next 5 years of my life traveling the world, concentrating on my career, being independent, hanging with my friends, being a geek. I figured if it was meant to be, then it would find me. 5 years ago, it sort of did, and I met someone who took my breath away. We got along so well. We clicked. We developed a strong friendship. Why didn't it go beyond friendship? Because she loved her husband more. Can I pick 'em or what? My pining for her, and trying to be all that I could be for her ate up the next 3 years of my life. It took another year before I got my head out of my ass enough to move on. We are still friends.

I am a geek. I know this. I am nearly a proto-geek. I wrote my first line of code on a Vic 20. I have been gaming for 25 years, both videogames and role-playing games. I did medieval re-enactment. I can make a computer sing and dance. I geek out hard.

I am not socially retarded, though. I spent the better part of 10 years clubbing at some of the coolest clubs you will ever see. Mostly alternative dark clubs. I traveled the world (london, singapore, ireland, australia, amsterdam, dominican) and met some amazing people. I have a ton of friends from all walks of life. My social calendar is usually pretty active. I know what the little fork is for.

But about a year ago, the business I had started with some friends failed. It really hit me hard. Of all the things in my life, my career always seemed so strong and when we failed it left us all with debt, and some resentment, and in my case...depression. Last november I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Apparently it had been around for 10 years or so. Gee. I wonder what happened 10 years ago that could have left me with depression?

So I started cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I was relieved that I did not get prescribed any drugs. It always seems to be the quick fix to any psychological problem today, and I would rather work out my problems by thinking and communicating rather than by medicating.

The sessions continued until about a month ago, because my therapist got promoted to a new job, and I was not considered severe enough to transfer to a new doctor, so now I am on my own.

I learned over the last year that a) love doesn't just happen, you need to work for it and b) I am tired of being single. I miss the intimacy. I miss the partnership. And yes, I miss the meaningful sex.

When going through CBT it came out that writing out my thoughts, my communications, my feelings is pretty helpful. So I thought I would start blogging. This is a private, anonymous blog. The stories are true but the names have been changed to protect the innocent. I may fudge a detail here and there to protect my anonymity, but apart from that I will try to be honest and frank.

Why make it a blog at all? Why not just keep a private journal?

2 reasons. First, I am hoping that I get some comments that might be constructive and help me out with some of my troubles. Second, who knows, my story might touch some cute Montreal geekette's heart and I might meet that special someone by opening myself up in this way.

I work hard to be a good man. A loyal friend. To try and make the world a better place. I rarely lie. I could never betray anyone. I would go out of my way to help a stranger. I am smart. School was always easy for me and my profession is very technical and I do it very well. I have been described as witty and clever, which mostly comes from my best friend, who I have known since I was 6 years old, who is one of the wittiest and clever people I have ever met. I am not super handsome, but I am not particularly ugly either. I am fit with a few extra pounds. I exercise a lot. I love it. I think I am an endorphin junky.

I turned 40 this year and it weighs heavily on me. I do not feel 40. Look 40. Act 40. It seems so old to me. The other 40 year olds I see look old to me for the most part. People never believe it when I tell them I am 40. I don't want to be 40 dammit! It makes internet dating even harder because they see "40 years old" and I guess dismiss me as an old man. I wish you could meet me just so you could say "wow. I never would have guessed". makes me feel better but it's hard to communicate on an internet dating site without sounding like the old man trying to get the young girl. I have nothing against 40 year olds If I found one that I thought was attractive and who I connected with, I wouldn't think twice. But often, they remind me of my mother. And while I love my mother, I don't want to date her. In my mind I am still 25.

So I thought that it might be interesting for me to keep a public journal about my experiences trying to find love as a 40 year old geek who has not dated in 10 years. Any comments you may have, as long as they are supportive or constructive are welcome, appreciated and encouraged.