TWIHFF

To be clear about something. Specifically TWIHFF. I've known her for 6 years now. We get along famously. She and I really click. I love her and always will.

We have never made love, never kissed, never held hands. Though I longed for these things, I knew they would not be welcomed and would ruin what small relationship/friendship we did have.

She is married and loves her husband. They have been together for 17 years now! (They started dating when she was 15). There is no chance they will break up.

For a while there I hoped that I could get her to leave her man, though I never told her as much. I never even told her I love her, though I am pretty sure she knows. The best I ever managed was to say "if you were not attached, I would have asked you out a long time ago". She is not someone to betray her man, and it's one of the reasons I fell for her.

So I hear you saying "you obviously still love her, and while you do no one else stands a chance". Ya, I thought about that too. But although I will always love her it does not mean I cannot love someone else more, plus I rarely see her anymore. Things have definitely cooled down on my end which is a good thing.

A while back I went to a party at her place and met one of her friends and was just so damned enchanted by her friend that I spent 5 hours talking to her friend and never even thought about TWIHFF.

I know now that her and I can never be. She is happily married, and though we found each other, for me it was too late. After 3 years of angsting, and wishing, and hoping, followed by another year I call the "getting my head out of my ass" year, I now just wish her happiness. As long as she is happy, it's ok. I have come to terms with the fact that it won't be me she is happy with. It was hard thing to do, but at one point you need to say to yourself "it's time to move on" and get on with your life.

I still see her from time to time; maybe 3 or 4 times a year. We chat. Have a pint. Eat a sammich. I very rarely, in 6 years, ever saw her man. Which I think is one of the reasons I had hopes for her until I realized that after 17 years they trust each other, have independent friends and activities, and live full lives apart as well as together.

I envy him. I envy her. They have what I am looking for. A happy relationship with two people that trust and support each other through life. They have something that I long for.

Good for them!